I have done such an incredible amount of growing up recently- emotionally, physically, mentally and most importantly spiritually. I am different from the person I was even just a few weeks ago, and almost unrecognisable from a few months back. From the outside I may not appear that dissimilar, with the same mannerisms and traits I have always had, but there is a subtle change starting to take place within me that some may be able to detect.
There is a different quality to my life that is developing. A deep stillness and tranquility has started to settle within my heart and mind. My ego is starting to loose power over me and I am becoming free of old compulsive thought patterns and negative habits. The unnecessary behaviours and reactions I have picked up over my lifetime are starting to grind to a halt and each day the change grows exponentially. It is as though I have flipped a switch and all of the pieces of the puzzle have started to fall into place. Whenever I start to deviate from this path, I recognise whats happening and start to make changes to move back toward it. That is the true measure of progress- how you pick yourself back up after you fall.
Of course with such inner change it is only natural that outer change would follow close behind. Outer change has come slowly as I have learnt that real change takes time. My perspective has started to shift on many things, but especially accompanying recent experiences I have had with three topics: drugs, relationships and sex.
So the first one- drugs. I have written about drugs before and said how they have their place, but I think my opinion toward them has shifted as my mindfulness has increased. The more mindful I have become, the more I have noticed just how much they detract from a higher state of consciousness. Sure they help elevate you initially, but in a shallow way that does not spring from the understanding of your own mind. Anybody can get high off drugs, but it takes real effort and internal change to get high from life. After the comedown no matter how hard I try to maintain inner peace and clarity, it is pretty much impossible until the chemicals in my brain have recovered to a reasonable level. This is especially true with drugs like MDMA and amphetamines. Some seem to have a minimal or even positive impact when used occasionally such as weed, mushrooms, acid and ketamine, but the rest just don’t seem like a sustainable option to me anymore. I won’t deny I have had some amazing times expedited by drugs, but I am at the stage now where I want to focus on my mindset that is always there underneath the highs and lows. Sometimes drugs seem like an escape and an easy way out, instead of taking the time to look at the underlying reasons why we all constantly need more in the present moment.
I decided that I would make an exception for my birthday and get fucked up because I was already in a great mindset and birthdays come around only once a year, so why not! Next minute I wake up 3 hours later in the E.R. to doctors and friends looking down at me. Just like in a scene from a movie, except unfortunately real… So I guess that just reaffirmed my original question, why have we come to rely on drugs? The answer is simple- because we have forgotten the true joy of living. When the consequences start to outweigh the positives, it’s probably time to make a change.
The next topic is relationships. A relationship is a beautiful thing and it can make you feel complete and content and happy with everything. There are times where the connection between two people is so strong and the reciprocation of attraction is so complete that you can completely let go and become one with each other and then nothing else matters. That is the positive side of a relationship- where the interplay between male and female energy reaches a perfect harmony. But it is important to remember that despite how good the good times are, there will also be bad times. Those bad times will reflect the negative side of your relationship with yourself. What goes up must come down and eventually something will happen. Inevitably your partner will not always be able to provide the connection you have gotten used to and that is where the problems start to arise. Unless you have learnt how to let go of that internal neediness and not rely on your partner for that connection in order to feel good, then the bad times will be a reflection of your internal pain. Used incorrectly, a relationship can become just another addiction.
So what is the solution? If the male can learn to drop his expectations and needs, then he can support the female despite the emotional changes she may undergo, and that is what I am learning to do. That is what I believe to be the true essence of masculinity- internal emotional strength. Similarly, the female must also be able to trust the male completely in order to let go and give herself to him, and this can only come when: 1. The male has learnt how to trust himself and 2. The female has learnt how to let her guard down and let someone in. Obviously there are so many other factors involved, but this is just from what I have observed. Don’t be afraid to give yourself space and time to realize these things, because if something is meant to be and two people have a legitimate connection then nothing will stand in their way.
The last topic is everybody’s favorite three letter word- sex. I used to think that I wanted to go around and get laid as much as possible (like most males I’m sure), but I’ve come to change my views on ‘casual sex’. When you have sex with someone, it is not just a physical thing, you are actually sharing some of your energy with them, spiritual, emotional, whatever you want to believe. Here is an extract from an article I read about it:
“Pay attention to whom you share your intimate energy with. Intimacy at this level intertwines your aural energy with the aural energy of the other person. These powerful connections, regardless of how insignificant you think they are, leave spiritual debris, particularly within people who do not practice any type of cleansing, physical, emotional or otherwise. The more you interact intimately with someone, the deeper the connection and the more of their aura is intertwined with yours. Imagine the confused aura of someone who sleeps with multiple people and carries around these multiple energies? What they may not realize is that others can feel that energy which can repel positive energy and attract negative energy into your life. I always say, never sleep with someone you wouldn’t want to be.”
On a biological level our male bodies are telling us to have sex with as many people as possible and society is telling us the same thing. But I think when you start to walk a higher spiritual path you see that you don’t have to have so much attachment to it. Of course it’s an amazing thing and you should by no means repress it, but at the same time you shouldn’t feel the need to chase it all the time either. Why share your energy with just anyone? It makes a lot more sense to me now to just find someone you really like, instead of just whoever you can find.
I used to think that you could either choose to change your inner situation or your outer situation, but I have come to see that they are inseparable from each other. Once you start to change one, the other will naturally follow.